Half Our Deen BLOG!

I really like the fact that polling is anonymous. Anyways, I would like to submit two questions.

(Question for Brothers)

How important is a husband physique?
1. Prefer him to workout on a consistent basis
2. As long as he’s not overweight, he’s OK
3. Doesn’t make a difference whatsoever

(Question for Sisters)

Would you marry someone who doesn’t wear Hijab?
a. Yes
b. No
c. Maybe but it would depend on her other characteristics.

Guys: what would make you decide that “she’s the one”?

JazakAllah Khair for the questions thus far. If possible, please give the optional answers you want for your question. So for example,

Would you rather be:
a. Beautiful/Handsome
b. Intelligent

Ideally, you want to ask questions that help you learn more about the opposite sex. The reality is that we live in a politically correct world and somehow the truth isn’t always clear because people don’t want to come across the wrong way. Nevertheless, this lack of clarity can cause confusion so hope the poll section will help us learn what the opposite sex really thinks. We have made it anonymous so people can be comfortable and speak the truth InshAllah.

Please feel free to email your questions to pollquestions@halfourdeen.com or post them them in the comment section (you don’t have to use your real name). Again, please post optional answers to your questions. We hope to launch poll section soon on Half Our Deen and the goal is to get a new poll question posted quite often.

Baba Ali

I really don’t want to ask dumb questions and embarrass myself here

[But, would you rather really believe that there 'could be' some honest good guys out there, than think we're all jerks and still fall for the wrong guy and then put the rest of us in trouble? Yikes!]
I like Dr. Baba Ali, and everything he’s done so far (Alhamdulillah).. but I sort of feel that, especially with the kind of people here, this would just be another Gender fight..(just like food fight, except that you throw out words instead of food and is less fun ). ‘Cause even if you’re anonymous, your gender would show in the questions you ask. lol. Rest is history..See, I did make myself look like an idiot (even if I maybe, but I tried to hide it so far!)
So, I’m not participating/commenting for this blog, sorry. ‘Oops I did it again’, I already did comment.. Sigh..

salam alaykum

i think this plog is really ganna be interesting ..many questions are going to my mind right now but the only quetion im going to ask is :
q: If a women send email to a man ..does that sound bad or good ?

2 questions:

How important is wealth to you?
1. I’d like to live comfortably and buy nice things (it’s halal)
2. It would help, but I don’t need a wealthy husband
3. The most important aspect is his Deen as Rizq is fixed (I’d be happy living on bare necessities)

Would be nice to get a real answer to this, instead of answers that sound right.

Salaam, this question is posted for brothers to answer:
Would you marry a girl who is fat and/or dark-skinned? And if you do, would you be ashamed o introduce her as your wife?
Would you be willing to take care of your children, change diapers, feed, bathe if your wife is sick or away for work?
Just some qns on my mind…
Thanks bro Ali, this is a good idea.

walaikum salam sal,

be patient inshAllah. its takes time. when i was looking many years ago, I spoke to many people until I found my other half. Alhamdulillah. The process itself makes you appreciate your future spouse once you find them InshAllah. I wish everyone could find their other half immediately but the reality is that sometimes it takes time. This is one of the reason why I made Half Our Deen affordable. No other site will give you a full year for $5/month. On the bright side, we have received confirmation from many people that they’re in the process of getting married after finding their match on Half Our Deen.

Interesting enough, you never know when you’re future spouse will join the site. Today, tomorrow, a month from now….Allah Alim. At least the site isn’t cost you an arm and a leg like the competition

Anyways, I’m in the process of making the site better inshAllah. Polls is just one of the many things I’m trying to do to make HOD different inshAllah. Of course, not ever question will be posted but rather I’m going to try posting questions that will help us get some useful information about the opposite gender. Some of the questions may not even be gender related. For example:

Would you marry a convert?

etc..etc..

-Baba Ali

I am in 4th year of my married life, and now im 34y. i love my family so much .. there are many things which i dont like in my wife but i mostly look at her +ve side.. i think men mostly want to see following things in her life partner :

1)- they want to be taken care like a child.
2)- They want her wife to boost him up in every challenge of life.
3)- Men can do any thing if they believe tht there is someone who want them successed.
4)- Most of the men always need a supervisor in house hold matters and a advisor or follower in external matters.
5)- Mostly men are nt vry good at expression his feelings in word, men mostly believe in action, So women should learn to get the meaning of their actions.
6)- SEX carry too much value in men’s life.

I am not a psychiatric, just an ordinary man. these are my personnel feelings. You may agree, or disagree my opinion.

Muslim Brothers, if there is chemistry between you and a woman, will you marry women who

1) Must be at least 5 years younger than you
2) Must be at least 10 years younger than you
3) Age does not matter, I follow the example of our beloved Rasullulah PUBH
4) No more than 10 years younger or 10 years older than me
5) None of the above, My answer is stated below

Why do brothers have such a big issue with women who’ve lost their virginity, when they themselves have lost their own? Everyone makes mistakes don’t they? Why is the females perceived as a mistake worse than yours?

Well…

Would you marry someone from another ethnicity?
A. Yes, I’m open
B. No, Not an option!

Would you marry someone of another race? (e.g. Pakistani and Singaporean or Black and european)

A. Yes
B. No

Is skin complexion of your future spouse a main factor in your decison to marry?

A. Yes
B. No

What is your preference regarding skin complexion in a potential spouse?

A. Fair to Light
B. Tanned
C. Brown
D. Dark
E. No Preference/Not a main factor in decision to marry
F. Parental preference of potential spouse’s skin complexion main factor in decison to marry

Seems there is a sickness in our community with this, as a revert of four years who is African American I find that most people (I can’t say brothers…) but sisters will only try to find me someone of my same race, which I wouldn’t mind, except for the FACT that their are No single African American muslims in my community! lol

I’ve experienced a few racist sentiments as well…. which I find sad for everyone involved? it’s against islam people come on! I find it foolish, especially when people try to make claims that interracial/intercultural marriage is “Haram”! wow!

For instance, so many arab sister’s (i.e the few who end up chosing a black man) cannot go through with the marriage and is left in limbo for sometimes years because her parents will NEVER approve of marriage to someone Black, dark-skinned or not of her own race period.

Sorry to rant, but it’s a big pet peeve and I really would like to know what brothers think about this issue.

Does anyone have any comments, experiences or opinions about this matter?

@ twinkle in my eye

I swear I was thinking the same thing! subhan Allah!!

brothers and sisters

please fear Allah and do not waste your time talking to brothers on the phone even if it serious get a 3rd party involved. The reason they stick around without serious commitment is because they are sure that you will be there to regardless, they are just leaving their options open while you are waiting on mr nice guy….boo!

subhan Allah we wonder why there are strict limits between opposite gender in shariah! wal hamdulillah!

Salamalikum Wa Rahmatullah All,

Firstly,All praise are to Allah(swt) that we are Muslims , Alhamdulliah.. I hope we all here are praticisng muslims and not just name sake muslims..

Anyways, I have 2 questions, I’m a brother and inshaAllah planning to get married soon..

1. Is it difficult for a Wife to live with the husbands family after marriage ?

2. If yes? How do they expect husband to take care of his parents which is one of the biggest responsibilty on him as per the Quran?

JazakAllahu Khayrun.
Brother.

In view of alot of recent domestic violence issues amongst muslims here in America, I would like to find a way to address this issue before marriage. The questions would have to be posed very eloquently but directly. I think it’s important to just recognize the reality that in some cultures it’s acceptable for a husband to slap his wife if he feels she has done something terrible, or call her names, or raise his voice frequently.

I was married twice to a men from an arab culture, and both times I experienced what I felt was physical abuse, but everyone else in their family saw nothing wrong or out of the ordinary until he stabbed me with a screw driver or punched me in my eye. Even then, my sister in laws told me that ultimatly it was my fault because I didn’t know how to deal with a “palestinian man”. With some men, a husband telling his wife to leave him alone really means, get out of the room before you get hurt. But an american wife might miss that message and insist on “working through our disagreement” until he just reaches his breaking point and snaps.

These are realistic issues, that need to be addressed, but are often kept hush hush until it’s too late. Perhaps physical aggressioin is perfectly acceptable in certain parts of the world between spouses. I have heard some outlandish tales about Egyptian women who discovered their husband had another wife. LOL. But seriously, women and men need to understand what the expectations and boundaries are on this topic before marriage.

Finally I come up with some ‘wise stuff’ (and no, I didn’t google them):

1) There are men who respect and love women for what they are.
2) There are people who ARE themselves
3) Many women such as my mom like expensive things like smiles and kisses [when they're tired of regular chores etc; Also note that I've seen smiles can replace a $7383 hijab and whatever.. seriously, it's a good bargain! lol, especially if you're a poor dude]
3) No, it’s not bad for a woman to send a mail to someone she’s interested in.. I mean, Khadijah was the one who took interest in the Messenger (asw). [though it wasn't exactly E-mailing]. It’s only a matter of honesty. Asking someone to marry is supposed to be taken as an honor (ideally, if it’s a real proposal), especially in a world where girlfriends/boyfriends are accepted without any hesitation.
4) When you show pics, make sure that person’s ‘marriageable’ (or however that’s spelled).. If he/she disappears, then just say what I say ‘Blah! another person who wont remember me!’ . lol.
5) The man who talked to that woman for ’4 months’ in that story.. I’d say she knows kickboxing and he’s waiting for the next Karate Kid to come out and learn some moves, so he can propose to her properly.
6) It really IS sad that so much racism or pride in race and tribe exist in muslims, even if it’s wrong islamically. Even ‘ze brozers’ find it hard upon them when a girl/her family rejects him only because of the race. A hadith goes- that if a righteous man comes and proposes and you reject for no particular reason, it would cause corruption on earth.[paraphrased]. Race shouldn’t be an obstacle.
7) No, marriage isn’t just about reproduction, regardless of gender, it’s not just physical connection but mental, emotional and of the souls. And Mr.Satan hates that, so he puts bizarre ideas into our heads. Anywhoooo, it’s important to go out for dinner, miss someone, beat the other in Scrabble and racing, and help each other not miss prayers. (okay, okay, enough already! snap out of it man! lol)
Lastly, looks, age, physique and all that are just personal preferances. We obviously see folks marry all kinds of other folks (okay, that didn’t make sense, but you know what mean!). So, just because I prefer someone who’s a little physically built like I am, doesn’t mean I’m gonna throw her out the window when she gets wrinkles before me or gains 17 lbs from thin air after 4 years. lol . As the wise men say, only fools rush in… oops, I mean, beauty is in the eye or brain of the beholder or whoever [that rhymes]..
9) Yes, the real wise answer to it all is ‘Allah a’lam’ or ‘Allah knows best’, alhamdulillah.. Sigh..

what r ur thoughts on masterbation man or woman

1.Do men realize when they are not satisfying their wives sexually? Or do they even know how?

2.Do they attempt to ask what she really likes?

3.Do they realize we may not want to hurt their feelings about how horrible they could be in bed?

4.Do men really think size does not matter? It’s horrible that a man can pretty much see if his wife has breast or a bottom, but women we never know what we are getting.

5.Do men realize that sometimes the screams are for pain NOT enjoyment?

6.Do men realize foreplay is very important but it sucks when a married couple finally gets to the sex part and the man last 2 minutes?

7.Do men realize women like sex too? And if we do we are NOT whores?

salamun alaikum

if a girl makes the the worst possible mistake, because she stupidly thought she was in love but unfortunately, later it ends badly and leaves permenant scars. shes lost her dignity and self-respect but with the mercy and forgivness of allah (s.w.t) she is able to continue her life, steadily healing, if she is looking for her otherhalf, this time with true iman and taking this the right way, will that guy forgive her after hearing what she has done previously or hold it against her. wanting a sense of forgiveness especially after being in the darkness for a long time because of the wrong desicons made, can you ever forgive her trully from the heart.
after such experience, a revert to islam is someone who can guide and understand fully that mistakes do happen and that nobody should be judged by them.

Are you a virgin?

Just Wondering –

“1.If you see that things are serious and you have found your potential spouse, before marriage do you feel it’s right or wrong to ask for the other half to get a physical exam? Some people get offended by this… (don’t know why..)”

By physical exam, do you mean like going to the doctor to see if their heart is beating properly and stuff? I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think the only thing you should ask if there’s something that will affect you directly, like if they have an STD or something. You could ask them to go to the hospital and do a blood test for any STDs. Other than that, I wouldn’t ask.

@Twinkle in my eye…i want to know the same thing lol

My Question is rather direct, blunt, and to some it would be considered “TABOO”, but I am a pragmatic, rational, and realistic human being, and I value the truth rather hypocrisy.

This is for the Muslim Brothers:

Question: Would you reject a potential wife candidate if she confessed that she is not a virgin?

a) Yes, Chastity is the most important characteristic in a potential wife
b) No, everyone is not perfect, and I have also made the mistake of acting on my sexual impulses
c) It depends if she has changed, and realized her moral wrong doings, and in any case, Allah (SWT) is the most forgiving and merciful
d) No, the fact that she is truthful and open is more important to me.

Note, you can choose more than one option!

JazakAllah Khair

Name –

“Question: Would you reject a potential wife candidate if she confessed that she is not a virgin?”

that’s a tough question to answer. I’m just not sure what I would do. At the moment though, I think my answer would be like somewhere between choice A and C. I realize people can change, but if a person has saved himself, then naturally he wants another person who has done the same thing. Like, I would be afraid that she would be thinking about the other person or people. but if she regrets what she has done and wants to completely forget about her past, like if she won’t be thinking about anybody else again and tries to put everything she’s done before out of her head, then i think I would be willing to talk to her. hope that answers the question.

Okay, now I’m like Baba Ali’s gonna Barbeque or Babaalique me for writing so much . Sorry man… I really didn’t realize my texts came to THAT much.. Sigh..

So sad, I have to leave the site. Have to focus on my studies. Have six months to go. I shall miss ‘a guy’s’ comical spats for sure. But I will be back ready to try finding a spouse again after I graduate. Insh Allah. Thank you Baba Ali, may Allah bless your efforts. Amin always with a twinkle
Assalam Alaikum Ramahtulahi wabarakatu

This is going out to “anonyMO” also the rest of the ummah.
1:YES,ethnicity doesn’t matter.

2:NO:I wouldn’t marry someone from another race.
I only want to marry someone of the human race!

3:NO:Not at all.skin complexion doesn’t matter.

4:Do not have one.don’t have a preference regarding
skin complexion of my spouse.

My sister,as a revert (I’m glad you said revert and not convert!)fairly new to practicing the deen myself,I fully
concur with your statements.

I’m also African American,(that’s my nationality not my race)and I say this only to make
the point that you are right about what seems to be going on in the ummah.Allah knows best.

CULTURAL, RACIAL and NATIONAL BIAS is not only
divisive it is destructive to the ummah.
Allah swt STRICTLY PROHIBITS this type of behavior
and ALWAYS has!

There are at least 37 nations represented at my Masjid(America being the minority)and I’m cool with
that because to me we are ALL under one banner
and that is the banner of Islam!

ANYHOWWWW! At the masjid men and women are
totally separate.None of the brothers have introduced
me to any of the single women of their NATIONALITY and
like you said “anonyMO”I have no problem with Americans in fact, as long as she is HUMAN,
SHE IS FROM MY RACE!

The only way someone can marry interracial is to marry someone from ANOTHER PLANET!(I used to watch a lot of science fiction.) SOME!
Sisters that I have meant online have told me that they
cannot talk to me because I am black or I American or
I am a black American!

It was mainly how their parents felt about me(their parents didn’t
even take the time to get to know me.)
As parents it is your job to show your child the way, NOT, be IN your child’s way! Even the best intentions can yield the worst results,In Islam “the end does not justify the means)which means:even though you mean well,you can still be wrong!

What’s the moral of the story boys and girls?1:
As long as someone is willing to help you in the deen
and not hinder you,2:Not going to ask you to do anything that they aren’t prepared to do or already doing themselves and3:LOVE,HONER AND CHERISH YOU,the way ALLAH swt has so ordered,
then I don’t care if that person is POKADOT WITH PURPLE HAIR!(alhumdulilah!)that is the person we should choose!
It says in the Quran (ask your Imam,this way it will open a discussion)If someone tries to tell you to go against the deen, DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM!The law of Allah swt comes before any and everything else.

However,if it’s your parents, you cannot be disrespectful,you must disagree while maintaining the highest level of respect possible.

“anonyMO”,you weren’t ranting,this is something that
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!needs to be addressed among ALL Muslims.In the akkirah,we will be grouped
by our religion=NOTHING ELSE.That means we are ALL the same.

Take care my fellow MUSLIMS AND MUSLIMAHS!

asalam alaikum.

Question directed at sisters -
1. Theoretically speaking is it possible to peak your interest without you consciously realizing it ? What would be the method ?
2. Why are your parents so unreasonable ?
3. Why is the nationality so important to you ?
4. Why should a person be brought up exclusively in USA or NOT SO GREAT BRITAIN ?

Question directed at Baba Ali-
Sir , All us brothers are dying to know whether the existing body of knowledge about the pickup arts can be used in a halal way , I am sure you have come across this , If not please read look up erik von markovik and his work. Please give us a halal version of it , I personally know through experience and that its possible to raise a womens interest in a guy without her being completely aware of it. Please tel us the psychological tactics to bag the sister who we are madly in love with ,, please… please … please…please..please…please..please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….please….

For the questions outlined about ”sex” and if your partner will be satisfied enough and that ”women like sex too ” and so forth , these are not questions to ask the opposite sex , what happened to todays muslims? We are supposed to be apart from the Kafirs, these questions you hear on any movie everyday..when we are seeking marriage and looking for a partner allah asks us to look most importantly at the persons faith, not ”whats in there pants” as a sister has left this remark.This is not meant to be ”preaching” but its a duty as a muslim to remind others whats important in the eyes of Allah.. As far as the ones who ask if someone will accept them if there not a virgin…because of being married before or any other reason given could they be forgiven, and the answer is of course you can..Allah is the most forgiving we know this and even Prophet Muhammad pbuh was so forgiving are we any better…of course not, so there are good people out there who look past flaws and can see the beauty that you do posess, always remeber anyone who cant overlook flaws isnt worth it stay true to Allah and be who you are and you will find your shining star.

I think this is a question that everyone is the most interested in but no one has asked.

For brothers and sisters: After the honeymoon, how often would you expect to have sex?

a. Once a Month
b. Once a week
c. 2-3 times a week
d. Everyday
e. 2-3 times a day

“y”, yeah bro, I write some ‘stuff’ that looks like poetry.. Just garbage I’d say .lol, even if it’s deep for myself. *smiles*. Don’t know if you’d like that? They’re between children’s and neoclassical poetry. [meaning they aren't that good.lol. you can still link up]
No, I don’t need a blog, I need a spouse that I can blog ‘at’. . But thanks for the advice. Perhaps it’s time for me to quit too (at least pretend like quitting and stay shut). May Allah give everyone good life and good spouses for both the lives. Amin… Sigh..

I have posted my profile to numerous marital websites over the past couple years in my search for a spouse. This is by far the best one I’ve encountered. And I’m sure that as time passes it will continue to grow.

I have a theory. I think that if all the people on this thread were actually speaking openly in an in-person, face-to-face, PUBLIC setting, that we would get along better than you think. When you go online, you don’t get a chance to BE YOU. You have to be what YOU THINK everyone WANTS you to be. You submit answers that you THINK people want to hear, and you respond the way you THINK they want you to respond. So from the get-go, everyone is walking on eggshells and so busy trying to impress the opposite sex, that NO ONE is REALLY HONEST AT ALL in the end. Online, people’s expectations of one another are absolutely asinine. We’re easy to look at as cattle, when there’s hundreds of brothers or hundreds of sisters only a click away. But when you see someone in person, you cannot deny their humanity and that you have a person in front of you with feelings. All that goes out the window online.

The reason people are so open and speak freely and HONESTLY in this thread is the anonymity. No profiles, no pictures. Just words. As soon as you see what the person looks like, you have already judged them and decided what you want to know. Looks DO matter, and race VERY VERY VERY MUCH DOES MATTER. I don’t care WHAT people say. No one wants to come off as being prejudiced by being honest and admitting it DOES matter to them. And that being the case, frankly I can’t blame them. So we will continue in this unending cycle until people wash their brains of what popular media have INDOCTRINATED them to believe about their fellow human beings, and start to really look beyond superfluous exteriors.

Rant over.

“A muslim to a muslim…”

I think I agree with your point about what is most important in marriage. Like, from the questions asked by the sister about sex and stuff, it seemed to me that she was implying that the husband would be judged by the wife as to how he would ‘perform’ in bed and stuff like that. Maybe that’s just how it came across, maybe that wasn’t her intention, but it seemed like any man who wouldn’t satisfy his wife completely in physical relations would be looked down upon. To be completely honest and with no disrespect intended, I just think that’s wrong. I don’t think the husband should judge his wife as to how she ‘performs’ in bed, and I don’t think the wife should either. That just seems like a horrible thing to judge someone by, in my opinion.

ummB:
answer to the questions:
1. I think it’s okay if she was more financially successful and stuff, but honestly, I would want to pay for everything that the family has. Like, I think most brothers would feel like they were a failure or something if their wife was paying for the house, and buying food for everyone and stuff. I think most brothers would want their wife to just keep her own money, and use it for enjoyment purposes, like if she wanted to go shopping for non-necessities and stuff. But I think the brother would want to buy most everything the family needs, like the house, bills, food, etc.

2. I think seek an islamic counselor. I don’t know much about the marriage contract. are no-fault divorces allowed in islam? i don’t really know.

3. probably c

4. about 3

wat ever is…in marriage honesty…communication, and respect each other is main ideology in marriage institution. Both should think bfr get mad to each other.

In response to the questions about intimacy (from a brother’s perspective)…

First, I wouldn’t care if my spouse was a virgin or not. I am but only because I’m such a geek (doesn’t mean unattractive) and girls aren’t exactly throwing themselves at you when you’re studying math and 90% of the class is guys (the other 10% are used to the 90% drooling over them and avoid us like the plague). I’ve had classmates attracted to me, but I kept to my faith, which is extremely difficult. Having said that I think her thinking about someone else would hurt emotionally. So it depends how devoted the sister is to you, and how clear she makes that. Other than that, I don’t care.

About the wife’s needs… how are we supposed to know? Non Muslim men have had many partners, so women know they can expect a certain level of experience. We have to impress from the very beginning, without knowing anything. So you have to work it out between spouses. I assume it takes some time to get comfortable (practice makes perfect right?) Don’t judge your spouse from the first time or even the first year because from what I hear from married brothers it’s just like homework you just have to keep studying to get good grades.

About how often to have relations… well that totally depends on the individual!

By the way, and this is a serious question: what do sisters think of brothers still living with their parents? Don’t judge me, we’re in a recession lol. I’m about to graduate, so obviously things should change soon, inshaAllah.

And what about the beard? Everyone says they hate brothers that shave, but personally I look like Big Foot if I don’t at least trim. People, even sisters, look at me like I’m scratching my armpits and banging coconuts or something. Old ladies on the bus get so scared lol.

Peace.

Question to All,
Seriously, do any of you believe that age, body size or ethnicity is detriment to marriage?

I asked myself this question and this is what I concluded:

These issues are detriments to marriage only if you make them so. Let me explain.

If you communicate with a potential spouse without seeing a picture, and you are truly “impressed” by what he writes, then you decide to “see” what he looks like. Will you change your opinion of him now that you know what he looks like? It all depends on you.

If your answer is “yes”, then what changed here?

Sure, we all want to look at our spouse and “like” what we see. Have you ever heard the saying “Beauty fades but dumb is forever”?

BTW, this also applies to the Brothers!

So, if you have a choice, would you rather have a “beautiful / handsome” spouse or a smart one?

I’m just asking here.

Haitham

is half our deen stickly for the Americans I live in the UK?
I think this poll is good but some questions have not been answered? Like I dont understand why a guy feels he has a right to know your past and personal and complex questions like wether your a virgin? When they themselfs are not isnt that hypocrisy subhanallah. Unfortunetaly in today world we muslims are been tested by Allah the most just look at Irak, Afgahnistan, Kosovo the sunami and floods in pakistan, and other parts of the muslims world. We need to purify our intentions and ask ourself are we really following Islam or our version and interpretation of our own imagination.

@ Haitham-Seriously, do any of you believe that age, body size or ethnicity is detriment to marriage?

i think most people are looking for the same ethnict or culther ….. BUT for me i dont look for that ..but age is diferent i mean im in my 20s so i wont marry someone is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay older then I’m … i ll marry someone who is 5-10yrs different other then that THEN BIG NO NO …

AS for the question ..beautiful / handsome” spouse or a smart one?

I think BOTH ..when i comes to spouse ..everyone is different ..but mostly looking for someone who look OK meaning someone you are attracted to in your eyes ..

Salam aleikum guyz…. I actually read everything, from top to bottom and found it sooo interesting.. It’s really cool to speak openly about subjects that wouldn’t be talked about between muslims of the opposite gender.. but some were a little bit too crude for me.. but hey who I’m I to say anything..

Anyways what i wanted to ask was…
>>ARE THERE MANY BROTHERS OVER THE AGE OF 40-45 ON THIS WEBSITE..?
Because I wanted to make a profile for my aunty, but I’m not sure if there is any point, because I’m getting the feeling that theres mostly younger brothers on this website..

Please brothers and sisters that do have accounts let me know!! Jazakallah

About intimate relations after marriage being something to worry about, ask about, important, etc. Someone implied it’s wrong for sisters to even ask about this matter. Some seem to be implying it’s pretty much unimportant and it’s only deen we need to think about. Here’s my 2 pennies.

I log on HOD daily and what I see is that I am matched daily to a bunch of what I would call “kids”. 19-30 year olds. I am 37. Actually after going through page after page after page I only found about 15 brothers who were older than me. To all the 20 somethings, you probably don’t have to worry about intimate relations because it’s most likely not an issue. All your plumbing is working, and maybe it hasn’t even been used yet. You don’t know or haven’t even thought about certain circumstances.

BUT – if you’ve had a few babies, are over 40, have diabetes, are a convert from another faith, or simply find yourself at a certain point in life, sex(or the lack there of) is a very important issue to discuss.

I speak from experience of having been married to a brother, and then having to wait 6 months to get granted a khula because he was impotent. His deen was great! He was a sincere muslim! But there was no way to stay in a marriage where my husband had no capability to lower my gaze.

There are numerous verses from the Quran and hadith about this. We are definitly allowed and encouraged to marry to lower our gaze and guard our private parts from haraam.

Sometimes it is even the primary reason you are looking for a spouse. Some sisters don’t need a husband for money, or to have kids, or to give her a house, car, clothes, etc. Some sisters just need a husband to lower their gaze.

I have a company. I have a house. I have kids, and don’t actually need more. I have money. I have whatever I need. Alhamdullillah! I am just lonely and need someone to have fun with and lower my gaze.

What’s wrong with that? Nothing! So theres’ nothing wrong with asking about these matters. That’s the beauty of marriage. You look for a person who is going to complete you so you can focus more on Islam and worshipping Allah.

Once you move past your fears, you will be free.

Young Eagle.

Sister and Brothers (Especially Brothers),

The word here is “self- righteousness”.

Definition: •Self-righteousness (also called sententiousness, holier-than-thou) is a feeling of smug moral superiority derived from a sense that one’s beliefs, actions, or affiliations are of greater virtue than those of the average person.

There are “people”, especially ‘brothers”, who exhibit this feeling about others. Now we can argue back and forth about this issue, but the “truth” is; no one, absolutely no one, has the right to judge. Why? Simply because we, mortals, have no idea what resides in the heart.

Repentance means stopping the action, regretting the action and never returning to that action. We can see only two parts; stopping and never returning. We can’t see “regret”.

In addition to that, have you ever heard of Too much information (TMI)? What will that knowledge add to a relationship? It might even subtract from the relationship.

What seems to occur with “brothers” is that some feel “entitled” to “pure, virgin” wives ignoring the fact that men and women are all human whose “nature” is to err. You are entitled to nothing, brother. You don’t even own the body you reside inside, let alone feel “entitled”.

Besides, brothers, do you want some stranger to ask your daughter, sister or mother about her virginity? This question is offensive and bruises dignity. If you don’t accept it for your family, don’t ask others to answer it.

Therefore, let’s move past this issue. There are more important things to discuss and learn than virginity.

Isn’t there something else that creates relationships that you want to discuss?

I’m just asking here!

Haitham

Do men look for women becasue :

A.sex parner
B.best friend
C.Or both

MashAllah well said brother Haitham… I just wish that all men think the same way as you are … Its almost a dream to find eh man like that …

okay, so there’s waaaaay to many comments for me to have read here, so i skimmed, forgive me if i repeat something or whatever
brother Ali (i’m assuming you don’t actually have a 2 in your real name?! ) the banging coconuts thing made me laugh! but, most sisters i know (me included) don’t particularly like the beard… :S i know it sounds bad because the Prophet had one and everything, but i think its just one of those things that’s about personal opinion? stubble is fine though me and my friends have concluded in the past

my answer to some of the previous questions would be that i think people would like both a best friend and urm, the other thing in their spouse, I can’t really talk from experience or anything but i would think being able to connect with some one intellectually and spiritually would be most important? the rest would come with time (i should hope!)

also, i completely agree with “name” about the butterflies in your stomach thing, every girl wants that don’t they?! my friend always gets on my back about my unrealistic hopeless romantic-ness, but surely you can’t help it, it would be the best thing ever to find your “soulmate”, if such thing exists. but i think all the cultural stigma surrounding men and women talking would make it kinda hard?
another hindrance would be, face to face with someone it would certainly be much harder to talk about marriage, no? (so kudos for this website!) i don’t know about everyone else but i tend to become socially inept, and very awkward at such situations.

my biggest fear would be getting married and finding out you cannot live with the person at all, because you didn’t get to know each other enough, you can’t get along, whatever reason, I would hate to live unhappily for a long time.

i think looks do matter to everyone no matter how much we may want not to think so, you end up judging a person on how they look no matter what, though other characteristics would be far more important, its not some thing that can be helped.

oh yeah, as far as i know (which isn’t much….) contraceptives aren’t allowed, so all this about daily intimacy and what not would be very strange, cuz they’d be making babies all the time?!just saying. i know that sounds a bit silly, but thoughts anyway?

i would try my hardest to be completely honest right from the start, though i’d be uncomfortable with extremely personal questions if they were asked straight from the off

sorry it’s so long….but i LOVE that it’s anonymous

@ y – First of all, hundreds of women get divorced everyday simply because the brothers are not satisfied with them physically, no one seems to care or wonder what happens to those sisters. They are told – Qadr Allah, have sabr, insha Allah things will get better for you, wa sallaamu alaikum.

Seldom if ever is the brother looked down upon or questioned for divorcing a wife if people find out that she was unable to have sex with him, couldn’t have babies, or even simply became “unattractive” to his eyes. But if a wife finds herself unsatisfied physically with her husband, she is implored if not downright commanded to have sabr, bear this test for Allah, be happy with whatever else Allah blessed you with.

Seldom if ever do the mishaikh, imaams, or alims seem to realize that the woman may find herself tested by her sexual desires just as strongly as a man. Especially in western countries where the muslim woman is just as likely as the muslim man to have job outside the home and have coworkers of the opposite sex.

In Islam the arguement is baseless. Several hadiths prove that a woman has sexual needs and desire just as the man does. She also has the right to divorce equally as the man if she is not sexually satisfied with their husband. Whether she will find a sheikh willing to give her a khula is another matter.

So does the wife leave if the husband can’t have sexual relations anymore? These are marital rights given by Allah to both spouses. It’s up to her and no one can judge her intention but her Creator. But if two people are married, and Allah has put khair, peace, tranquility, blessed them with children, helped them establish a home, etc. and then either of them finds they are unable to fulfill the others right to sexual relations, then it may be hard to simply leave all that behind because of a lack of sexual fulfillment. It also depends upon the husband’s desire to satisfy his wife and keep her happy. Is he willing to explore any other options than traditional methods, to help her satisfy her needs? Within what’s halaal of course!

That is completly diferent, than marrying anyone under false pretenses.

@Haitham – I am too old to play games or try to be coy. I would definitly take the honest and direct approach because of my experiences in life.

Younger, less experienced women, would probably be more indirect. Perhaps unsure how to express their needs in words or too shy to voice their opinion on such intimate matters. Shyness is a great quality, especially for the virgin women. Her not answering out of shyness to a proposal implies her consent, as we know from the well known hadith. Men are naturally inclined to desire such a woman. An open book with empty pages. Did not our Prophet(SAWS) say as much about the ungrazed upon tree in the famous hadith?

My book already has a few chapters, and I too have much to offer a husband. I take my example more from Khadijah(RA). I am independent and therefore not as clinging or demanding upon my husband’s time. I have my own income, and therefore do not require so much stress be placed only upon my husband to establish our home. I have managed my household alone, and therefore am not clueless about budgeting, money matters, yardwork, buying or selling goods, etc. I have had a husband, and therefore have experience in what to expect and do for my spouse. I will stop the list there.

Men will choose, and should choose, what best fits their personal needs and will make them happy, as long as they do it with a pure intention, fear of Allah, and according to Quran and sunnah.

Because this is an anonymous thread, I had a little more room to voice certain issues that mattered to me as it regards intimate relations in marriage. Seems some others have the same concern, which makes me believe this issues may be an issue that needs more attention from those seeking and giving knowledge.

We are facing an epidemic rate of divorce throughout the ummah around the world. The causes need to be explored and addressed.

Sister LowerUrGaze,

Wow, many thoughts and issues to discuss. Here are my two bits about intimacy:

1. Marriage has many components. Sexual fulfillment is one component.

2. One must be honest about the marriage relationship. What changes in the other person are deal-breakers? Will one spouse leave the other over changes in weight? How about hair loss? How about losing limbs? How about a stroke and the loss of mobility?

3. As I said, there are many components to marriage.

4. Now, sexual fulfillment is not in the same category as the second point above. Why? Remember what I said in an earlier post about “Exclusive Provider”? What should the husband or wife do if the other can’t “perform”? Are they “stuck”? What if the other person has no physical reason but will not “provide” or participate?

5. What complicates a situation as this are other factors, such as children, years together, words of love exchanged, etc., etc., etc.

Experience vs. Youth:

1. It seems that mature women, Muslim and non-Muslim, find it more challenging to marry at a later age. Why? Because most men want younger wives. Right or wrong, it does not matter. Each to his, or her, preference.

2. To me, a strong, confident, independent, but gentle woman is far more desirable than a younger woman. I find it more challenging to communicate with most women that are much younger than I.

3. The most important factor in my decision for a spouse is maturity. I define it as follows:
Maturity is the ability to interact with others with respect, balance, intelligence and passion without deception, manipulation or stubbornness.

4. There are plenty women that meet this criteria.

5. It’s not about me or you; it’s about “US”. How you deal with me for the survival of “US” is just as important as how I deal with you to reach the same goal.

6. To me, the bottom line is that I want to be able to talk to my wife, discuss issues with my wife, experience life with my wife, share many things with my wife and grow in years with her.

7. Daily interactions with my wife need not be complicated, but simple. Kind words and smiles can carry a relationship along time.

So, I ask you again “What is important in a relationship?”

I am just asking

Haitham

@haitham – “So, I ask you again “What is important in a relationship?” – is that the same as what is important in a marriage?

There are many generic answers. Many cliche answers. They lived happily ever after. Good communication. Looks. Sex. Money. Patience.

All play a part I suppose, but to a different level for each individual. What is very important to one may be completly unimportant to another.

Age, for example, plays a major part in what is important to people. The 20 year old and the 60 year old probably aren’t looking for the same things in a spouse due to their life experiences.

Money, career, location, or family circumstances all are factors that will greatly change a person’s perception about what is important.

We can narrow things down somewhat by looking to our guidelines in Quran and sunnah. If either party can’t play by those rules, then they need to try to fix that before they get married. It should also send up some huge red flags for our brothers and sisters when someone is trying to get around the rules set forth by Allah in order to get married. Once you find someone who is a good muslim – I didn’t say perfect – then the foundation will be stronger.

After that it’s all generic. Find someone with as many qualities that you desire as you can. You probably won’t find anyone with everything. Being able to compromise is a huge part of a happy marriage. But be realistic. Don’t compromise on things that are necessities or that really will make you crazy after marriage.

Example: He’s handsome. He is good atconversation. He gets along great with your kids. BUT – He hasn’t had a job in the last 5 years and lives in the masjid. Will you be happy supporting him? OR – He has a wife already and he wants you to live with them after marriage. Will you really be able to handle that? Will your kids? Think!

Anyway, short answer is that there is no definitive answer. So be thorough. Put alot of effort and time into selecting a spouse. There are reasons why it’s the most important contract you will ever enter in to in this dunya in the sight of Allah(SWT).

It is really like important for men to consummate the marriage as soon. Can they get to know their spouses well and take step a time? Or the whole holy purpose of marriage is for, yea whatever.

To LowerUrGaze,

Are you a visitor or do you have a profile on this site?

Haitham

Asslam Alaikum,

I have come back to this post and I am AMAZED by the comments I have found here. I have not been able to read them all but from what I did read I came to an interesting realization: This kind of dialogue exposes a person much better than those silly profiles we write on our pages. If we could read about people like THIS we would know if we find them interesting or not.

Another thing I noticed is that finding a person for marriage is only a small, tiny, part of the process. There are two things BEFORE and AFTER finding that person that are waaaaaaaaaaaaay more important:

Before: My brothers and sisters in Islam, it is my humble opinion that we are in serious need of counciling and training before marriage. We definitely need tools, guidance and knowledge about what marriage means in Islam and how should we approach it. We also need to work on ourselves. We are all so prejudiced towards each other on things that have very little significance. We are so culturally indoctrinated we completely loose out on the beauty life has to give us because we are blind. Most of all, we have way too much western akeeeda in our heads. It’s like we pretend that the hollywood (and bollywood) idea of romance does not influence our choices, but it does. And it makes us sick and we don’t know why we hurt. We have more movies and soapies in our heads than sirah and sunnah. We have little idea of how grace and barakah can help us make better choices.

I recommend that we check out www . practimate . com They do not do match making, they do marriage training. Supper important. You can also see if you can have an Al Magrib Institute workshops in a city near you. They have two workshops on the issue of marriage, family and love in Islam. Really helpful stuff. I hope HOD includes these kinds of services too in the future. It would help a lot.

After: I seriously think that even if you find a spouse, if you don’t make a conscious effort to work on you marriage after tying the knot, you are almost doomed to misery. I get the feeling we are headed to a battle field after matrimony. This is some serious stuff. We need to find a way to keep that spark alive. Not just physically, through sex and physical appearance but emotionally and spiritually as well. We cannot forget Allah in all this. He is the source of ultimate happiness. If we truly seek marital bliss, we should turn to him. He created it after all. I mean, it’s like we have this manual to help us navigate life but we hardly bother to read it. Allah is the creator of everything, including love and sex. We want the best of that, we should turn to HIM to get it, you know.

I would just like to point out that sex is highly overrated. So much emphasis is placed on it when in reality, it’s not THAT important. Anyone can have sex, I mean, we can find it in any street corner. It’s so cheap, easy and readily available. But not everyone can make love. We need to love someone in order to do THAT. If we’re just about sex, then marriage will never satisfy us. Nothing will. It’s almost like being addicted to it. If we are just about the physical, then we can never be satisfied and always want more and more. But if we are into love making, then we will find that we can only be satisfied by that one person we love. Insh Allah.

Am I sounding judgmental and preachy? I hope not. The last thing I noticed is how vulnerable and hurt we are as a ummah. There is so much pain, frustration, fear and disappointment in the words written on the posts above. All of us have some insecurity or vulnerability. Most of us seem to be here armed to the teeth with protection. Or with fences and walls. No one wants to get hurt. That it makes sense. But we seem to be operating from the defensive always. And we seem to be really superficial in this quest for a spouse. We are not prepared to be vulnerable, then we’re not going to find true intimacy. But who wants to be vulnerable to rude people, right? This thing about blocking people is awful. We need some serious lessons on grace and courtesy, that’s for sure.

Last, but not least, it is evident we need a platform for discussion. Muslims should find a way for constructive discussions on the topics totally taboo in our community. They seem to revolve around sex, prejudice, culture and abuse. I am glad this site exists, even if we don’t find a spouse, at least we find a place were we can voice out our thoughts and opinions and bounce them off other like minded (and not so like minded) people. I ideally, we should have an online radio station. Some shows would be public forums for debates and opinions. Other shows we would find the best ways to tackle our issues.

I am Assiya by the way. I sign on as Little Bird. I am not shy to say. I wish I had access to the sisters as well, not just the brothers. There are women here I would consider it a privilege to call a friend, and if I where a guy. I would certainly find more than interesting

As-Salam Alaikum

Here is a question 2 brothers & sisters

Would u like 2 marry sby. who is more intelligent or cultured than u r??

I think women ‘ll answer in the affirmative, while men in the negative, which is really sad.

Of course u’ve already guessed my gender. Yes, i’m a woman

Welcome back sis Twinkle in my eye… and i totally agree with you..well said

..

Haitham,

Although I am just a visitor on this website, I must say I have really enjoyed reading your posts! You write with great sensibility and sincerety and your thoughts are quite engaging. I do believe that phsycial attraction is important; in order to enjoy an intimate relationship with your spouse, there needs to be some level of phsycial attraction. However, I feel that if you are able to connect with another person on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level in the scenario that you had describe…that attraction should have been far superior and overwhelmingly triumphant over a simple picture. Looks will fade…your ability to engage others the way you do is a great gift that will surely make your future wife a very lucky women inshallah. I pray that I one day, I may complete my deen with someone like you. Inshallah you find the right person who will not only fall in love with your mind, but with your picture as well

Salaams peeps,

I read a fair amount of posts above and I do agree with most of them. Sex is deffo a taboo in most communities (the decent ones). This blog is a good way to bring out topics that people would normally deter from bringing to the table.

In my opinion living in this wonderful materialistic world ain’t too bad, but living in it as a good muslim is damn hard. It almost seems that gone are the days where a girl’s coyness (which usually reflects her decency) was seen as “ideal marriageble material” by a guy. Alas times are such that a shy/hesitent/untouched girl is classed as “too boring for me, i’d prefer someone with a bit of experience” to marry and satisfy me each and everyday. The western society that we all live in portrays ‘sex’ as something which Twinkle in my eye so nicely put “cheap + readily available” oh, not to mention harmless. I mean, its EVERYWHERE! You get hit by the suject left, right and centre all the time. Its always used as a tool by the media to sell sell sell and in the midst of it all, we forget that the intimacy depicted is infact something that Allah (swt) has created for the enjoyment of couples through marriage (with each other).

Its understandable for brothers and sisters to worry about intamacy issues before marriage wondering whether they would be able to satisfy their counterparts once the contract is signed. My advice (not that i’m a married woman or anything – just giving my opionion) would be to trust in Allah and InshAllah everything will work out. The important thing is that you both have a mutual understanding of how each other feels and work on it together. If worse comes to worse…just remember there are healthcare professionals out there who can help you iron out any problems that may be upsetting your intimate relationship with your other half.

For me, a degree of physical attraction is important, but whats more important is the connection of the mind and soul as these will last far far longer than looks alone. (Try and forecast times when the looks disintegrate and what you are left with is character/person…would u still see the person as u see now?).

My question:-
Would you marry for love or lust? opinions….?
(I’d marry for love + companionship and tranquility with the other half. Everything else would be a bonus!)

Assalam Alaikum,

Bellow I post a link for any brothers or sisters who know of, are suffering from, or simply are aware of the pornography issues and addiction in our community. Please take the time to look at the site. Please also take the time to write an email and forward it to your contacts. We need to reach as many people as possible. We never know who needs help.

www. purifyyourgaze. com (without the spaces)

@ a friend.

Assalam Alaikum, if you have the time please listen to brother X’s story. I think it will be an eye opener and blow your mind.
About being married and watching porn, well the fact that you are married does not mean you are sexually satisfied. On the same note, the fact that you are sexually satisfied does not mean that you will get over porn addiction. I know, it sounds like something out of this world. That is why I placed the link here. Because once I listened, I realized the problem is much deeper and bigger than we realize and by judging these men or women, we are alienating them. Please listen to what brother X has to say. Insh Allah you will see it from a different perspective.

Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.

My most sincere appreciation to Brother, Baba Ali for opening up such a blog. Believe me i have always thought if i could find a place rather blog i should say which is interactive where we can voice our feelings and also be checked when we deter.. Here i see most of us r young people who are believing muslims and have thoughts and feelings to bring up and sort them out. I think rather than harbouring all sorts of feelings, questions with no proper answers , wishes , ideas that are not supported by the religion ,let us discuss it open mindedly and open heartedly too . I saw some of ur videos too they r hilarious, so down to earth, not hurting anybody’s feelings u r trying ur best to make it clear how any common person would feel and see the issues escalating us. I am happy that i am myself not feeling offended when i see certain things which are not done in the right way,but which are usually practiced by people including me. I am ready to check myself if i am wrong.
My request to all my brothers and sisters in religion is that we are destined to our fate and we should whole heartedly accept Almighty’s blessings for us -man in all relations-father, brother, husband, friend , teacher.
A woman in the all relations- as a mother, a sister,a wife, a friend, a teacher.
A marriage is half of our imaan. Following our holy prophet Sallallahu alaihim wa sallam’s ways- his sunnah..
A marriage has no place for ego, prejudice, jealousy.
The essence of a marriage lies in understanding, forgoing, forgiving, compromising, sacrificing, helping, nurturing, growing, guiding, supporting, …….the list is endless.
All those brothers and sisters who at one point of time reach to a stage in their lives to find someone who will be part of them should read a lot of books and find out the responsibilites of a marriage. And decide if they r ready for it before they are on the lookout.
Are we financially fit, are we religiously ready, are we suitably armoured for this.
Finally, as a man am i capable of being just to prophet’s amanah.Every wife is a amanah of Prophet (SAW) u will be held responsible for her happiness, satisfaction in all forms,and best treatment.
As a woman am i capable of rearing a family religiously , psychologically, morally…
This is the reason Almighty Allah made our Prophet’s life a open book for all of us to be rightly guided and follow His ways.
I hope my comments in this issue do not offend anybody if they do I whole heartedly ask their forgiveness and i am open to discuss them.With all due regards and guidance by Almighty, May we all try our best to follow Almighty’s ways and be a good follower of Prophet Muhammad Peace and blessings Of Allah be upon him.

Though shall type complete sentences in paragraphs and proper punctuation.

Some languages allow sentences to run-on, and on, and on, and on. . . .

But English looks awkward.

Young Eagle

salam alaykum

After reading more and more on this blog i got to the idea that i have no idea whats going. It seems that everything i knew or thought i knew not even closet to this.

i never thought that getting married or been married its that big of deal and NOW i guess Im all wrong. After hearing the story of Mr X and porn that totally change my way of thinking. He never missed salah or fast..been married and have kids and yet he used to see alot of porn to evey day even at work. Now that means no one knows if the brother is really good one or not.

If a brother propose to me and asked me fro marrige how Im I going to know if he seens porn or not? as there is no way to find out and i don’t want to marry good brother or thought he is and find his watching porn ..

Just asking ..

Assalamu aleikum wr wb brothers and sisters, first thing i should mention is- I LOVE READING THIS BLOG! mostly because of the comments.

Because 1st of all i grew up in a house with very little/none male presence.. so i don’t really know how their mind works
2nd don’t really have anyone (male) that i could ask these type of questions… even if there were i would probably be too embarrassed to ask.
And 3rd because i have little experience in this area.

But reading this really answered a whole lot of questions for me! So jazakallah brothers and sisters for sharing your experiences with us!

QUESTION!
I have a question that has been bugging me for a while. As my search for the right spouse began my constant worry has been the AGE, for some reason i am always inclined towards a slightly older age. When i’m on the site i tend to search for ages between 27-32 (i’m 20 btw), these are the reasons why:
1st) I feel like its a good age! not too young so hopefully not immature, because i have this fear that someone young will turn out to be immature (as i’ve come across too many immature beings during my lifetime)
2nd) Would have more knowledge than me (both islamically and worldly) so will be able to correct my mistakes and wrongs, and would establish a good stable Islamic household.
And also because a lot people (also my mum lol) say this too.

BUT even though this age group is not much older than me there’s this thought that creeps into my head… what if you are too young for him (mentally), what i mean is- i would want to share things and experiences with my husband, i also like to crack a few jokes (which are not always funny.. i think this is because some sound funnier in my head )
SO my fear is what if after your married you realise that you’re too hyper/young for him.

SO THE QUESTIONS ARE:
1. In your opinion are people right.. is it better for a girl to marry someone older?

2. To me 30 its still a young age, but is it? Or is it more of an age where you just want to take it easy, and you don’t need a 20 year old running around trying to have a water fight with you lol ??
i can assure you i am not describing myself.. or am i?

3. OR does it depend on the individual, a man could be young at heart at the age of 60 and a boy could be mature and responsible at the age of 16?

Even though what i wrote might sound really dumb and weird.. these are really serious mind boggling questions for me.
So inshaAllah i would like to know your opinions both brothers and sisters whether 18 or 80

p.s. sorry if i have offended any one in any way, that certainly wasn’t my intention, sorry for my poor grammar, sorry if i have repeated myself over and over again and sorry for the looooooooong essay- woaw a lot of sorrys there.

Ok take care for now, and look forward to reading your responses (if ever there was any)
From a confused sister

@ Smiley sister …need a 20 year old running around trying to have a water fight with you lol >>when u said that i was laughing so hard not because its funny but thats how i feel about it too .. i rather marry someone who is fun and I can have fun with then someone is really old then I’m (beside water fights always fun if you were young or old lol)

my 2 cents of what a man looks for in a spouse..
- Beauty does play a part in selecting the spouse but they don’t need super models’s, just a lady who looks healthy (who doesn’t stuff herself with food and turn fat) and who look acceptable by face and physique is more than good enough.. in other words men like women who go through the pain to look after themselves just to please their husbands.. cuz if u want ur man to stick with u, u should show them that u don’t mind going thru the pain to look good just for them.. if u don’t look attractive this may make the man go outside of the house looking for beauty… btw men don’t expect or need super models who look awesome and ALSO who are shallow (dumb) within where u are unable to make a good conversation…
- Yes men love making good conversation with women who have substance rather than plain beauty… women who are able to support all their good endeavours and who are able to provide support, guidance and sound advice when required.. but also knows to give space to breathe when required.. men like women who are courageous who does not depend on the man all the time.. Trust me just like spider man needed someone.. There are times where a man too needs a shoulder to cry on.. only strong and courageous women can support a man who is down.. (just like our beloved prophets wife Siti Khadija who supported and comforted him when the prophecy was revealed – may allah’s peace and blessing be upon them both)
- Men love ambitious women yet who are soft in their actions and who sweet talk with them 
- Pious of course! (Well honestly.. If i a see a lady with hijab and above characteristics this criteria will be at the top of the list)
Just for the record.. I have found my perfect match (well I am indeed satisfied with who she is we have been going out for 6 years alhamdulilah) I know its haram and i’m very eager to complete the half of my deen but what’s stopping me?? Well Allah has placed a hurdle in this relationship.. she is a non muslim… pls ask dua for me… hope Allah will show her the true path..

To: a divorced brotha,

As someone who has years of experience in marriage, can I please ask you for some advice?

My mother introduced me to a guy, he is 22, just two years older than myself. We talked for a little while, both our families are quite conservative so they wanted us to get to know each other.
He is a nice person, MashAllah very educated, pious InshAllah, and respectable. He made his intentions very clear to me, that marriage is in the near future and that he thinks I am the one for him.
I do not feel the same way and the guilt is eating me alive. Is it haram that I say “no” just because I feel we don’t get along enough? Is this a good enough reason? I am struggling. I feel greedy, shallow and selfish to refuse, but my affections for him feel forced. I am having a hard time finding where I belong, and with who.
After reading your comments, and stumbling across this blog (Alhamdulilah), I realize now how important this decision will effect me in the future. I don’t want to get tangled in something dangerous like divorce, InshAllah.

Can you please give me some advice?

Isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder?

Young Eagle

To Smiley Sister,

Women in general expect and want certain characteristics from their husbands:

1. Respect
2. Protection
3. Security
4. Love

Women, in general, tend to “mature” emotionally earlier than men. Therefore, a 27 year old man seems appealing to a 20 year old woman because he is more likely on the same level, or close, to where she is in maturity. I remember when I was 20, long time ago (30 years ago precisely), and I do remember how “immature” I behaved. I wasn’t crazy, just more focused on me and my wants. On the other hand, I knew women at that time who were my age and seemed more “mature” in their goals and behaviors.

Being “too young for him” is a minor issue. Why? When you behave in a mature, balanced and serious manner when needed and relaxed at other times, a mature man ought to see that. I do find that I can relate to women younger much than I, even though I am 51. I am attracted to strong, serious and gentle women who know when to be strong and know when to be gentle. Age is irrelevant here.

I know men, without naming names, who are older than I and are very immature in their behaviors.

Age does not make wise. Wise makes wise.

The bottom line is that it depends on the individual. Maturing takes three things to accomplish:
1. Intent
2. Effort
3. Time

I had to work hard and pay attention for years to “mature”. I know that I am not perfect and that I have more to learn. I pay attention to what I say and do, and then I do my best to learn from that.

Is maturity a state of mind, behavior or both?

I’m just asking

Haitham

can a muslim girl find a muslim man that doesnt want kids/cant have kids?

Salaam.

Reading this poll always puts a smile on my face & I thank Baba Ali for giving us the opportunity to take part in such a beneficial poll to learning things we never knew about the opposite and to express our views ( & for making it anonymous ).

Marriage is such an important concept that everyone NEEDS to read about & discuss in depth! But how does one do this without looking say.. “needy” ?!. I never thought in a million years that I would be in such a position today. The “typical girl – guy friend scenario” , unsure what to do.. making dua to Allah (swt) to guide me on each step I take & to help me through each day that goes by. Subha’anAllah ever since my teens ive been steadfast on deen, never really took any kind of interest in guys (even though I got a lot of attention) and basically practiced islaam to the best of my ability. But that all changed in the past year or so- when a complete stranger strangely came into my life and we instantly “clicked”. Without going into too much detail we became really close “friends” over a short period of time (it was REALLY weird, as I had never expected to get on with someone from the opposite gender so well!).. everything was going well until he moved back to the state that he was originally from! Now, where did that leave me?? where did i fit into his plan? or did i not matter to him at all? – these are some of the questions that started to circulate in my mind. Although neither of us said directly to each other that we “liked” eachother I think that even he knew we were a bit more than “just friends” as we spent so much time together! So, i decided (as hard as it was) that i would not/reduce contact him and would step back after he left because even though i knew how i felt about the whole situation and him.. he didnt tell me how he felt about me. After a couple of weeks he text me on my cellphone asking how i was etc .. and he’s even called me few times since i last saw him. Being a girl i too have emotions and every time i hear from him, all those memories of the time we spent together come flooding back !!

Im not “desperate or even needy” (as i mentioned before i do get a lot of attention from guys and i’m only in my 20′s :S) therefore s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g anything out to him is a big NO-No on my behalf (and being a girl doesn’t make it any easier!). Another thing that really irritates me (personally) is the fact that he says he “misses me.. asks me if i know any decent girls for marriage” *(when i tell him of a couple of girls i DO know for him hes like- no, im not good enough for them.. or they wouldnt want someone like me?!!)*.. and a couple of other things. 6 months on, and i still don’t know where i stand with him!?

I know that MANY people are going to say that we shouldnt be “friends” with the opposite.. however you can not understand such situations if you’ve never been in one yourself.. & Allah swt only tests those whom HE loves! The reason why I shared the above with everyone is purely because I wanted guys to understand how a girl really feels (even though she might not make it obvious) in such situations!

Finally, my question to guys out there:

are you not aware that girls are naive when it comes to emotions? and why is it so hard to tell someone where they stand in your life & express your emotions/feelings? (even though they do it in bollywood films all the time lol! ok, ok im joking! :0) )

May Allah swt bless us all with pious partners [Ameen].

I forgot the ‘lol’ for the above comment. So, here goes – ‘lol’. Sorry, I’m just silly.. Sigh..

@ not your average kind of girl

Assalamu alaikum,

liked ur story..from a guy`s point of view…the guy likes u, but he might be too shy to say it, maybe he feels that u might not like him and he is too afraid of the rejection…so he`s trying to indirectly hint it to u ( he misses u but asks u to find him a wife ?? COME ON !! )

GIRLS !! us guys, barely have the guts to admit our interest to girls…we always think we will not be good enough for them etc… u like a guy ? make it known to him..u will make his day !!!!

its funny , cause thats how i married my ex-wfie…i was too shy to propose to her, so i asked her if she knows anyone who wants to get married wink wink etc….and she replied “ what about me ?“, so it moved on from there…i loved her, i still do..but we were just too different..love blinded us to our incompatibility n we paid a high price for our mistake.

lesson of the day : dont get too involved emotionnally during the engagement period..always get to know ur propective spouse within an islamic setting..ie have a 3rd party present etc..

love to all,

assalamu alaikum,

@ question

Assalam Alaikum,

This is a great question and I understand where you are coming from. The answer is not an easy one but I will try my best. Most of what I will say is a summary of what Shik Yassir Berjas found out in his research for his seminar for Love Notes for the Al Maghrib institute.

Most practicing muslim women actually want to stay at home and raise their kids and take care of their husbands. However, most muslim women fear that their husband will take advantage of them because they will have the economic power. They fear the husband will oppress them, abuse them and deny their rights. If a woman does not feel secure in her husbands support, love and affection, she will find it very difficult to stay at home and dedicate herself to her marriage first. It is a trust issue. She has to trust that you won’t take advantage of her and if you come across as someone who wants a stay at home wife right away, she interprets it as you having little regard for her capabilities and wanting to chain her to a situation in which you have all the advantage.

A lot of muslim sisters go on to do their masters degrees because they are not married. They have the time and the energy to dedicate to further studies. If they were married, they would not be doing that. Not only this, most muslims women don’t associate a higher degree with more money. They associate it with a nobler cause, doing good for humanity, contributing to society, acquiring knowledge and so on and so forth. It really has nothing to do with competing with men or being money driven.

Muslim parents don’t inspire muslim women to be homemakers. In fact, they often give advice such as “Daughter, you’d better study before getting married because at least you’ll have your degree if it does not work out.” So muslim women also tend to look at education as a means of self support if their husband turns out to be what she feared he would: controlling, abusive etc…..Ironically, because of this mentality, a lot of couples end up in divorce. Because at least she has her education.

Being a homemaker is not encouraged by this society at all. I mean, there is no GDP that shows the true value that the homemake actually is to society. Also, if she has gone to uni, she sees just staying at home as a waste of her education. It’s very hard to feel valued as a homemaker. If you, as her husband, don’t show constant appreciation and gratitude for the sacrifice she is making, then she thinks it is not worth it. You know, she feels unappreciated.

Women don’t like it when a brother straight out wants a house wife. She thinks you want someone to boss around. Most women, within about six months of pregnancy actually DON’T want to work anymore. Including none muslim women. But they need to trust you, really trust that you will be right by them so that I can make this choice in faith and in consciousness.

Another thing, brothers tend to make a grave mistake when choosing wives. The fact that a woman wants to stay at home and serve her family does not mean she will make a good wife nor a good mother. A stay at home woman may or may not be good at this. It depends on many, many factors and one of these is having higher education and work experience. She KNOWS what work is all about and she chooses to stay at home.

Also, you can always be flexible in the way you present your case to a girl. You can explain you understand her fears and would like to know if she’s willing to find a middle path: for example, she can work from home. Or she can work once the children start going to school. Convince her you won’t make money an issue. You won’t deprive her of it or use it to control her. You will appreciate her efforts to dedicate herself to the home and won’t take it for granted. Earn her trust and show that you are responsible and capable of being the sole bread winner. Insh Allah she won’t be scared to stay at home.

Last thing, please visit http://www.practimate.com They do marriage training and counseling for muslim men and women. They spend a lot of time explaining how women think and helping brothers understand and know how to present their case without terrifying the sister off. They also have a lot of advice on how to go about introducing yourself to her family, how to make a financial plan for marriage, how to handle disputes, how to deal with sexuality and so on and so forth.

I hope my answer made some sort of sense for you and may it help you understand this some more. What ever good there was in it came from Allah, what ever bad there was is in it, came from myself. If I said anything to offend or hurt you, please forgive me, it was not my intention.

@ little bird,

Assalamu alaikum,

thank you soo much for ur post, it really answered a lot of my questions and i really appreciated your point of view. It makes more sense now.

thanks also for the link, i just registered, incha allah, i hope to benefit a lot from it.

What first impressions do men have about a non-hijabi girl?
Honestly.

@ guilty,

honestly, my first impression about non-hijabi sister..is that she`s not that religious, she`s probably mixing n chit chatting with guys, that she’s a feminist etc…not really practising, might not even be praying.

i know that its all judgemental etc.. but you asked for my honest first impression.

Salaam to All,

First impressions are always deceiving. I knew sisters who reverted to Islam with passion in their hearts for Islam. They did not immediately wear hijab. Yet, they were the champions of Islam. If you would meet someone like that who talks to you about how it took her 5 years of reading and studying Islam, but she is not wearing a hijab, would you think she is not “true”?

On the other hand, wearing a hijab is not in any way an emblem of faith or depth in Islam. With the risk of sounding cynical, how many sisters do you meet, or know, from the Masjid or Islamic Center who engage in back-biting, gossip, devious behavior, etc.? The worst experience a sister who reverted to Islam is the one she meets at the Masjid or Islamic Center from sisters who wear hijab, smile then shun her or talk about her behind her back.

Wearing a hijab is not an outward symbol of faith “Iman” but a practice that most may be engaged in because they were raised with it.
Now, before you start writing back and shooting arrows at me, understand that I am “not” passing any judgment on anyone whatsoever. I am simply pointing out behavior that is rampant in the Ummah. I am certain that many sisters will feel that my words are directed at them. Is it possible that if my words solicit those feelings from you, then you may have that behavior and your subconscious is reacting to the words?

Therefore, ask yourself a simple question:

Does my outward appearance and behavior reflect my inner Iman (Faith)?

Just asking

Haitham

Salaam to all, especially “A guy”,

There are three things to consider when dealing with other human beings; desire, intent and ego.

Desire is what one wants. Desire has a strong root in the physical senses; taste, smell, sight, hearing and touch. We desire something because we get some sort of satisfaction from it. Desire can also drive us towards emotional stimulation and emotional connections with other humans.

People, including you and me, behave with specific intent. You may not necessarily know your intent when you say something or do something. Intent is there; either on the surface or hidden underneath.

Ego, in many definitions that abound, can be boiled to a simple definition; how you perceive yourself. No one wants his ego to be bruised or damaged. No one wants to look bad in front of others. In the old country cultures we call that “face”. When you say or do something that appears to me and/or others to affect my ego negatively, I feel that I lost face in front of other people. Have you ever seen someone go into a rage fit because he “felt” insulted by another? That’s his “ego” responding to the events outside his mind.

This all connects together in webs we weave around us that seem to be constantly shifting and changing. People are not simple beings, brother. To think otherwise is a recipe for disaster. When you state that you simply want to marry someone you “like”, you are basing your decision at that specific moment in your life. At that moment you “like” her. But ask yourself, “What would you do when you don’t like her”? Liking someone is not the starting point of relationships. Have you ever met someone who liked you until he got what he wanted from you then left you? These types of relationships are shallow and superficial.

What you need is to marry someone that you “respect” and who “respects” you. Why? Because you build a relationship on a foundation of respect and you will find that all other aspects in life can be worked out. Of course there are more details to the relationship, but respect is what you must get first.

Respect, by the way, is not taken by force or demanded; respect is earned by showing respect. Respect and love are the two things that you receive in exchange for giving.

Men and women are complicated creatures, brother. Don’t forget that. But, we don’t have to make relationships complicated. We must remember the desires, intents and egos of the other person. If we don’t, the relationship will be doomed to fail.

Therefore, ask yourself, “Am I building my relationships based on respect or based on like?”

Just asking

Haitham

@ Haithman,

Asslam Alaikum, I like your post. It full of things that make you go….ummmmmm (you know, think). I wanted to ask if by any chance you may have heard this rhetoric at an Al Maghrib seminar. If so, which one? If not, apologies I offer for any possibility of offense.

Thank you everyone. I mean for answering and everything. Thing is though, I believe this is pretty much why things are complicated. Not because they essentially are, but they’re made to look so in many ways, at least for me. Meaning those are a lot of words. It goes like this, that your liking is obviously based on personal factors, whether emotions or desires. And that’s okay! It doesn’t mean that you don’t base things on respect. They’re not antithetical. Respect is what you own. What I look for is not ‘if I can respect’. ‘Cause many of us respect others regardless. Just as ‘Young eagle or falcon or whatever lol’ stated. However, the statement of prayer, asking God to give someone like me, is directed at expecting someone normal enough to respect you in return, so that it’s mutual, just as liking is mutual. The only difference is that liking a person is more subjective, and more moldable, as you don’t/can’t expect perfection. However, ideally, in most ‘general’ cases, both liking and respect ‘grow’ over time. I mean to say, this is simple human nature, of temporal bonding. The only time that is interrupted and corrupted is when there’s a silly external influence, which in islamic sense has to do with mostly whispers from the satan, just as adam got the apple stuck in the throat.
You see, when a person ‘really’ sets out to marry, he/she is willing to sacrifice, love and respect. Unlike, for instance, when you fall in love otherwise, then elements like sacrifice come at a later stage and unless a lover proposes and marries, there’s no security for the basis of their existence. So, in the past or even recent past, there was simplicity because people were ‘set’ to marry, and they may get lessons from the wiser ones who’ve been married for years, religious or otherwise, or get to gain more knowledge on the process as such. So, just as how the physical relationship is a learned behavior, so are the spiritual and mental parts of the relationship. You learn to cope with the person over time, learning to love the little harmless peccadilloes of the other person. I’m just saying it’s only complex anymore because of what society has made it to be. And yes, I do appreciate and accept prophetic history.I sorta agree with the ‘three things’ in dealing part. Freud (or Fraud as I call him lol) explained it in a similar manner as Id, Ego, Super-ego and all that stuff, with slight variation of course. Again psychology is playing with words to state the obvious, so many times. However, I believe that the ‘Nafs’ is what is important here. It comprises of at least two of those factors, from Quranic point of view, and it’s purification is what should be focused on and one would balance out the mindset of people, by understanding the reality of man.

I apologize deeply if I’m said anything that is utterly wrong or hurting for anyone in anyway. My epilogue for this boringly retarded post would be that, I like to believe there’s still hope, beauty and simplicity in marriage for a mu’min/believer. More than respect or liking or anything else for that matter, what I personally want for me or from future spouse/prospect or other good people is good heart, honesty, truthfulness and not being hypocritical, and the rest will come in place. Sorry again..I shall shut up now, hopefully for long..before I ‘prove’ my stupidity when I can hide it with silence .LOL. and I too am stating the obvious here..lol..Like they say, rough seas make a better sailor outta you.. I sincerely pray for the ones here to find their best halves (for this world and hereafter). JazakumAllahuKhayr.. Sigh..

Assalam Alaikum, just sharing a link that might be of some benefit

http://www.sunnipath.com/library/Articles/AR00000169.aspx

@ guilty,

Assalamu alaikum,

like i said, that is just my first impressions…and i guess it depends of what level of religious commitement the brother is looking for. I didnt say that non-hijabi are bad muslims or are non practising at all. I know for a fact that many non-hijabis are wwaayy more practising n good mannered than hijabis n even niqabis. But by not wearing hijab, means that she still have a lot of spiritual work to do etc… so it depends of the brother, if he is willing to be patient, accept her situation n level of pracitise etc.. and support her in her endeavour.

Salaam @Guilty,

When a Muslim sister does not wear a hijab, she presents herself to the community as a non-practicing Muslim. That will always be the first impression.

We say “practicing Muslim” because “practice” means that we learn by repetition and a customary way of behavior. Our words and our actions are either “Islamic” or they are not.

There are many Muslims, I prefer to use the term “Muslimeen”, who believe in Islam and all it teaches, but they don’t “practice” daily. This does not make them bad, but it shows disobedience to Allah.

Wearing a hijab for a mature Muslim woman is part of the daily “practice” of Islam. If she does not wear it, it does not mean that she is a bad Muslim, but that she is disobedient to “Allah”.

You asked, “Are guys open to overcoming those first impressions and giving a non-hijabi a chance?”

Sure, there are Muslim men who will overcome that. There is a wide spectrum of Muslim understanding and practice, or tolerance for a lack of a better word. One man may not care about a hijab and likes your education or your “looks”. Another man may see that you occasionally wear a hijab and not mind. There are also men who will not consider you at all if you don’t wear a hijab. These are personal preferences.

Wearing a hijab is not intended for outward appearances or fashion. Not wearing a hijab is a simple step in the erosion process that may seem trivial to you and me but it is a big step in the wrong direction. After all, the mountains are but pebbles.

I’ll ask you a simple question:

“Would you accept to marry a Muslim man who does not pray, not even on Friday?”

Just asking

Haitham

@haitham

you can’t compare hijab to prayer.

I have a few friends who were hijabis but decided to stop wearing it and quite a few who werent and decided to wear it.

the ones who stopped – it was mostly coz they wore hijab i guess for cultural reasons/ their parents wanted them too. So if u look at a sisters profile and she has hijab on, that does not necessary mean she is practicing. (hijabi yes, but what sort of religious values is she gona pass on to ur kid). might as well not wear it until u know y and are ready.

and if u ignor a sisters profile coz she does not have hijab on.. i dont think thats right either. the friends who started wearing hijab had alot of bad experiences in the past with hijabies. one of them for example used to go to islamic classes in the mosque (7 years ago) and she wore her little scarf (as in her hair from the front was showing) as a sign of respect to the mosque (and she was just a 13). one unfortunate day one of the teachers told her – in front of the whole class – basically how much of bad muslim she was and that she should go and put on a proper hijab.

she never went back to the class or to the mosque. only last year she became friends with us and now her and couple of her other friends are hijabies. and know more about islam than i do.

anyway after all that lol my point is – if u like a sisters profile (ignoring the picture in regards to hijab) then you should give them a chance… they just might need that little extra support to be better at their deen. I’m not saying marry them with the intention of changing them.. but if she says id like to learn more and you can help me become better because down the road i see this…
dont u think u should give them a chance?

Salaam to All,

@ nameless

You are correct in two parts of your post:

Hijab and Salah are not equal in value,

A Hijab or Salah is “not” an indication of piety.

Read my words. I did not compare them.

The one thing they have in common is simply that they are “requests” from Allah to “Do”. If one does not answer the request, then one is disobedient. The severity of the obedience is different for different acts. Nevertheless, “Disobedience” is still “Disobedience”. Allah is the only ONE who will judge us individually for our actions.

It’s not enough to wear a Hijab or grow a beard to be a “good” Muslim. Outward appearances do not in any way show the internal holdings of the heart. This applies to Muslimeen and non-Muslimeen. What we are talking about in this post is “First Impressions”. Impressions are generated automatically based on initial clues. These impressions may be correct, may be wrong or somewhere in between.

When I see a woman wearing a Hijab, I immediately “assume” that she is Muslimah. I also assume that she is obedient to Allah only as far as I can see since she is wearing a Hijab.

I don’t know anything else about her whatsoever.

My mother, who passed away in 2005, did not wear a Hijab until she was about 50 years old. She was raised, however, in a conservative Muslim household in Jerusalem. She was a strict Muslimah who valued Islam, loved Allah and taught us to be faithful Muslimeen.

So you see, outward appearances don’t show inner values. I know that.

You are not wearing a Hijab for me or for your parents. You are wearing it because you love Allah so much that you respect his request to you wear it. Right?

If you don’t wear a Hijab now, and you are confident that your heart is attached to Allah, then you are simply disobedient. That’s all. There is always an opportunity to become “obedient” to Allah in every action you perform and in every word you utter. Just don’t wait too long. One never knows when the angles come knocking on the door.

Ask yourself, “Is it wise to wait to be obedient knowing that death can come any second?”

Just asking.

Haitham

Assalam Alaikum

Not to be a party pooper, but I thought I would share something else equally as important today. Please take the time to watch

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

Salam Haithman,

I always like to see this things because they remind me of how timeless the Quran is. I mean, Allah has warned us that wealth “stuff” is nothing but a test and eventually harmful to us. But we don’t listen and associate the pursuit of happiness with the pursuit of stuff. So funny that in the long run, we are killing ourselves.

The other day I was thinking about how to get the healthiest food possible and was appalled that in the US healthy food is a myth. Even organic is slightly poisoned. Even if I plant my own corn, grind it and bake my own bread, the seed was chemically altered, the machine I use to grind had chemical components as well a the oven I use to bake.

It’s like a vicious cycle. The food we eat makes us sick, so we have to get medication. But the medication has chemicals in it which make us even more sick so we need to get more medication or eat healthy but there really is no such thing as healthy food. It’s crazy.

Anyhow, that’s me having my moment of insanity on line. In the end we just do the best we can with what we have. Subhana Allah, we live in cycle of toxic poison. From what i can observe in our muslim marital relationships, we have not been spared in the least.

In all our getting, may we get understanding.

Yeah, I’ve seen the ‘stuff’ thingy. We live inside stuff..You folks already mentioned all that, and it’s true. I’m like- Gosh, the only real stuff I wish I could buy is books. Growing up with just school books and without luxury, I began to remember books by their odor at times. lol. I’d sell my stuff to buy books. I said this, ’cause I wonder if I can give a whole library as my dowry . That’d be amazingly beautiful. [I can just see a Survey question on the way: Would you accept a book as a dowry? Yes, No. LOL]

Well, you’ve been poisoned the day you were born, if you’re worried about chemicals. And spiritually as well, Mr Satan’s out there to poison us, with stuff, with arrogance, pride, racism whatever.. Thank you for the reminders though!

Stuff is like that. Allah tells us/warns us that, ‘Satan threatens(promises) you with poverty, and orders you to immorality, while Allah promises forgiveness from Him and bounties’, in Chapter Baqarah.

Salaam to All,

New thread; “Expectations to have children”.

Young Eagle

@ A guy .. Wallah today wasnt one of the days you can say (hell but in Danyah) .. as everything was just getting to my head i loged on here and You made my day lol you got me to giggle ahahah

anyhow… i do agree with you little bird
..and no i don’t think you are crazy or anything actually I think you saying gold .. By all meaning i know how can we live in cycle of toxic poison and we just keep going round and round ..well i ll share with you all lil storythat just happened to me .. In the first week of Ramadan i felt i was tired (but that was something normal) school exams and work = being tired and being fasting complet it ..anyhow on the 7 day of Ramadan i was in the ER room with no idea what was wrong with me.

For 14 days i was in ER room because no one can tell what was with me ..i couldn’t eat nor drink anything and i was on IVs the whole time and each time was getting weaker till one of the Doctors told my family that the Chance that I get out of the hospital in becoming very lil.. My condition called “pseudotumor cerebro” and no reason why eh normal person in 20s will get it and every uncommon for my age .

.Anyhow cutting the story short ..my sister and brother in law decided to see other doctors and see what they say ..so they when to natural doctor that all medications were natural and from been totally black out ..i started one by one to come back to life(alhamdullah) but AFTER I stopped using western medications .. and after that in a week i was out of the hospital …

so what i’m trying to get cross is everything pretty much around is( toxic ) this why DON”T use alot of Medications.. and one common mistakes that alot of Student get into is eating fast food and SUGAR ..etc..

I hope that by anyway help anyone in here is stop eatting junk and chocolate/candy bars..;)

Balance in your life is more than a cliché; it ought to be the norm.

Young Eagle

Listen up,

If you fear “The Fire” as you fear poverty, you will survive both.

If you seek “Al-Jannah” as you seek riches, you will win both.

Young Eagle

Salam,

by the way, I dont even read sister’s profile with no pictures…there is soo many of them, so i bring down my seach with those who has at least one picture of themselves. I am not looking for crazy beauty…but someone that is pleasing to me when i look at her ( sunnah ).
so sisters ! Want ur profile to get noticed ? at least put one simple picture of yourself.

thank you,

Salam Alaikum,

Don’t know if your gonna see this since its been a while but Ali2 you sound like my ideal guy…lol

@Still looking >>>OMG i WISH WISH i can GOOOOOOOOOOOO but its all the way in TO and i’m in BC ..<> will Never Prove it(happy to accept ur NOTES tho =))

@ question ..PLZ don’t as you ll be making the biggest mistake in your life .. if you don’t feel attracted to your spouse then whats the point of getting married ..then what ganna happened after a year let say and nothing happened then lead to Divorce ..and for BOTH men and women that the hardest thing anyone need to go throw ..and LOTS of hurt feelings >>I might be wrong but that what i think

It s an awesome? song because it s like Harry singing to Albus Potter About Snape
Mudbloody267

RIS was great..inshallah I will go again next year.

@ question I think as a muslimah I would try to get to know them in a halal way and see if I could still be attracted to them because everything else clicks and also make istikhara and maybe more du’as. And if it all succeeds then I would marry them.

My reason to this is because you could marry someone that you find attractive and but loose that attraction the more you get to know the person..so why not the other way?

One day? I hope to be as cool as you guys.
jesusfreak34988

We have two young families. Two couples. Two two-year-old girls. Two infants. Were trying Tahoma Meadows cottages and also the Cottage Inn but since reservations seem hard to find for august 5-9 any other thoughts?

Looks like this blog is going to need anti-spam features :/

For brothers

Would you prefer marrying a hijabi?

I know there is a poll asking whether non-hijab is a factor for them not to marry the sisters but this ^^ is asking whether they would PREFER to marry hijabis or not. Thats what in my mind now.

Assalamoalaikum warahamatullahi wabarakatuhu,

MashaAllah this is a very very beneficial site, and my duas for all those working behind to bring this to their brothers and sisters.

I have a very serious question for brothers and sisters and it might come as very weird to i guess most.But i really need to know what i should do.

Should brothers/sisters who had been possessed at some time in their life by jinn/jinns and are now cured Alhamdulilah tell about this incident to the ones they are proposing to.

Should someone faced with this situation not consider marrying if there is a close possibility of the possession recurring….

Please keep in mind that there are very very practicing Muslims out there who face this situation as a test from Allah. The reason i am saying this is that the first thing that comes to mind of such a person is probably a lack in their emaan, which is not always true.

InshaAllah i would really appreciate it if these questions was answered,i cant find scholarly rulings for Muslims in such scenarios.

JazakumAllahukhairun

Hey, I am checking this blog using the phone and this appears to be kind of odd. Thought you’d wish to know. This is a great write-up nevertheless, did not mess that up.

- David

Salams to All. I finally made it to 2011!! No small feat since I was compelled to read each & every word (on this blog, of course!)

I am a 39 year old divorcee, American revert to Islam. New to Half Our Deen…been out of the country & didn’t know what Baba Ali was up to!! Many Hassanat to you Baba Ali!

I really love the postings of Haitham & also Little Bird. You both present topics in a very educated but candid way. This is much appreciated, especially from me.
I am going to ramble out all the thoughts that came to me during this reading escapade.

1. I am a revert to Islam since 2001. I did NOT wear hijab right away because I didn’t understand the meaning. I studied Islam for 1-1/2 years before my Shehada. I resisted (or maybe, rebelled) against the peer pressure to put on the hijab. why?? Because, in Islam there is a reason we do everything (either sunna or fard). To wear hijab or do any other act in Islam because PEOPLE told you to, is not a good enough reason. I agreed to everyone that I am sure it is fard, but please brothers & sisters tell me where I can find this request?? They said in the Quran. I said which verse?? Noone could tell me. So I eventually replied that when Allah (swa) puts it into my heart to wear hijab, then I will, because intention in Islam IS everything! So as far as the debate between marrying a muhajiba or not; maybe a better understanding can be contrived by asking specific questions about the practice of their deen, not the clothes they wear.

2. The question of sex is an important topic to talk about. I wasn’t born Muslim, and didn’t have guidance in my youth, so I have experience of life in some ways more than a born Muslim should or could. I am not sure if I agree with the sister for getting a divorce solely based on in impotence. There are many forms of intimacy in the bedroom that are sexual acts that do not encompass the literal concept of intercourse. I find that often times, foreplay, and oral pleasure have more enjoyment and importance to me than the actual act itself. NOT that I don’t enjoy it! I do, but the level of importance is quite a bit lower than most, I think. And, also, think about it; I often feel more close and sexually aroused by a hug or kiss from my spouse, or the simple act of holding hands or snuggling. To me, these forms of intimacy have a very high importance. How can you feel comfortable with sharing your bed with someone if you never touch each other outside the bedroom??? I do however, feel that it is a brother or sister’s responsibility to disclose any sexual defects they may have before an engagement is decided. If we cannot live with each other in honesty, and integrity, where else can we??

3. As far as the racial prejudice in Islam, it is the foremost thing I am broken-hearted about Muslims! In the biography of Malcolm X, during his Hadj, he mentioned of the shock and elation he felt to see all members of every country, every color standing shoulder to shoulder in equality. I am sad when a family holds such prejudices in today’s society, and really feel that this whole concept is truly showing how far off the straight path the Muslim society is. As one member gave the hadith references for this above, I actually felt warm & fuzzy inside when I read those same hadith years ago. THIS IS ISLAM!! NOT racism, prejudice, extremism, etc…

To look at the color of skin in a different perspective, I will say personally, I have attraction towards light-to tanned skin versus dark. But as completely pragmatic people would say, “It is just a chemical reaction you are having with that individual”. LoL I laugh, but am completely serious. I have my preferences, but they are NOT MANDATORY. I don’t tend to be attracted to extremely attractive men. I find someone who is “cute” or “attractive” in my first impression, and it is their personality and humor that truly makes them gorgeous to me!

4. Hythiam, I was truly moved by your words as to what makes a marriage…I never thought that anyone thought the same as me in that respect These actions are what creates intimacy & love in a marriage! Well done ya akhi

5. To the sister that wasn’t compelled to accept a proposal from a brother because she wasn’t attracted to him…I disagree with the posts that were given to you before. Sometimes attraction is felt, once intimate experiences and words are shared and felt on a deeper level. Perhaps all the pressure of the halal meetings were masking this feeling…just another way to look at things in the future…often for me, attraction begins after I shared a compatible thought with a brother that holds great meaning to me & him…I wouldn’t give up right away, but maybe see if you can approach things from a different angle, to see if there is a way for that attraction to start..

6. Sorry for my incessant ramblings I do HAVE A QUESTION! My greatest issue with the concept of the halal process is that I am a revert! Noone to date has effectively addressed the issue of finding a wali! How do I do that???? I tried to use the concept of a wali on my first marriage, and it was a disaster. The wali did not have my best interest at heart and did not know me well enough to even know what my best interest is…I have broached this question many times and have yet to get a legitimate response to it. I currently am not involved in any one community, and have no idea how I can be close enough with a potential wali to trust him to make the best decisions on my behalf…HELP!

Food For Thought!! Jazak Allah Khairoun for all of the great responses on this blog! Mashallah!! Brilliant!

Wa Salam

I adore the site layout . How was it made!? It is so sweet.

Assalamualaikum wr wb

These discussions here are great ! Mashallah !
What I dont get is…., why do we girls need to look breath takingly gorgeous for the prospective guys ?!
Some cultures cannot swallow the fact that girls are not always going to be an outstandingly beautiful sight. There are going to be flaws naturally. So why not present oneself in the most simplest manner possible and wait for the day when you can surprise your husband by getting all dressed up for him. This way he would have something new to look at, once in a while. I personally would never want to show the most beautiful sight of mine as this would be the expected norm out of me in the future, instead i would show my best when i’m dressed simply or done no/ unseen makeup. The art lies in being attractive in the simple ways.For this presenting oneself in hijab is a good option. The culture I come from requires a girl to be primarily ‘fair’ ( for those who are’nt , fairness creams are layered on their faces, which don’t work for 99% of the time)
Next, she needs to be thin , she cannot possibly be on the healthier side ,otherwise she is categorised into the “eligible for diet” list lol.
Then she should be able to walk ,talk properly lol ,as if majority of the girls cannot
She should be able to cook like a hundred things or more …….and the list goes on…. my point is that what about her intellectual level?? Infact her deen level to some extent will show how intellectually sound she is.
I rant about this because of the way people build their expectations on outward stuff and neglect the more important things, sub7anallah!

Peace \ /

I spent last 2 hours reading your content ! And must say: awseome blog Alhamdulillah

To brothers:

If a sister has the deen as a priority, but is tested by physical strength, will she looked down at by the brother? I know in Islam we’re all judged by taqwah, however are there brothers these days who don’t mind wives with physical difficulties? I see non-Muslims accepting and treating those who have physical difficulties equally, but, I don’t know if there are brothers who would love and accept a sister as their wife for her religion and accept her in spite of minor difficulties given as a test from Allah (SWT).