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Let’s get real

2 July 24, 2012 by Bloggin Muslim

Their eyes meet from across the crowded park. He is taken aback by her beauty. Her face glows like a full moon and he can’t seem to divert his eyes from her as her purple hijab flutters softly in the wind. She is mesmerized by the honesty and sincerity that eludes from him. She can sense that he will never hurt her. They just know that a life together will be full of happiness and tranquillity. It will be chock-full of romantic walks to the beach, date nights at a new restaurant every week, two amazing children that will grow up to memorize the Quran and be the apple of their eyes. And, let’s not forget that gorgeous house they will own together—every piece of furniture hand made by him and every room tastefully designed by her.

If the paragraph above seems like it belongs in a cheesy late night movie that’s because it’s exactly what inspired it. Sadly, these same movies are what we use to gauge our relationships by and aspire to. They shape our ideal match for us and ingrain us with wants of perfection that would not only make our lives dull and boring but are impossible to attain.

That’s not to say that love and happiness are not attainable in a marriage. Not at all. In fact, every strong marriage will be built on love and lead to happiness. However, love is not the only building block that is involved. Along with it there is trust, honesty, good communication, patience, compromise, loyalty, and most importantly compatibility. So, sorry to say, but love does not conquer all.

The other main issue with these fantasy portrayals of spouses and marriage is that it skews our perception of who is right for us. It romanticizes the qualities they feel should be important to us in a mate to the point that we sometimes lose sight of who we really need. Allah (swt) created each of us unique with our own likes and dislikes so how is it possible that only one prototype of a spouse would fit all?

When it comes to finding our other half what matters most is what qualities in a spouse will bring out the best in us. How will their personality, likes, dislikes, hobbies, and manners affect us. So let’s take a moment and write down a realistic characterization of who our ideal spouse is and kick the h(b)ollywood portrayals of perfection to the curb!

comments - 2
  • NO REASON TO HIDE
    Jul 24th, 2012 at
    11:42 pm

    Asalamu Alaikum UMMAH, Ramadan Mubarak!

    Dear brothers and sisters in Islam, one of the most important subjects one can address is the subject of marriage.(Allah knows best. A.k.b.)
    Speaking to quite a few brothers on this subject, I Find that many
    do not SERIOUSLY attempt to get married because they feel they do not measure up!

    What I mean by that is:1THEY FEEL THEY DO NOT MAKE ENOUGH MONEY,2 THEY ARE NOT HANDSOME ENOUGH,3 DON’T HAVE A P.H.D.4(AND THIS IS MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, NOT!) HE FEELS THE FAMILY WILL NOT EXCEPT HIM BECAUSE HE DOES NOT COME FROM THE SAME CULTURE OR COUNTRY THAT THEY DO.

    The prophet saws taught us the qualifications for choosing a wife or husband (if you do not know the fiq on marriage, please look it up.) and he did not mention ANY of the 4 things listed above.
    Especially the last one. This culture before din situation is ROTTING THE UMMAH FROM WITHIN!

    If someone is telling you something and it goes against the din THEY ARE WRONG! AND YOU ARE COMMANDED BY ALLAH SWT. NOT TO OBEY THEM! EVEN IF IT IS YOUR PARENTS! I am not telling ANYONE to disrespect his or her parents,that is HARAM AND LEADS TO A FRONT ROW SEAT IN THE HELLFIRE! A.k.b.

    What I am saying is this: you RESPECTFULLY decline to listen to them. Let them speak first, say what they have to say, present their proof, then you speak, say what you have to say and present your proof. insha ALLAH. If they find PROOF (NOT OPINION) that their stance of “culture before din” is correct then you must obey them. But, they can’t find proof and they won’t find proof to support their stance
    because ALL proof is totally against their stance.

    “This is the way way we do things in this family”or “this is the way it’s always been” is not proof.
    Proof is an authentic hadith pertaining to the subject.(I suggest al BUKARI OR MUSLIM 2 of the 6 greatest collections) This is not my opinion, this is fact.How do I know? (Allah swt first of all) attending classes and reading.

    We ALL have preferences when it comes to choosing someone,that’s called being human.what is important to remember though is to keep an open mind.Let your preferences be what they are meant to be GUIDELINES NOT RULES! YOU CAN MARRY THE WRONG PERSON.Simply because Allah swt. is going to let us make our own choices.That’s why we must trust in Allah swt and keep an open mind so that we make better choices and have a greater chance at happiness.(apply the Qur’an and the sunnah)

    I have preferences but, what it comes down to is this:
    I do not care what country my wife comes from,what color her skin is or her level of education.SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT,JUST PERFECT FOR ME!

    I only greet sisters at the masjid I do not get a chance to hear their VIEWS on the subject, so sisters PLEASE COMMENT AND GIVE A BROTHA YOUR PERSPECTIVE ON THE SUBJECT. insha ALLAH
    Brothers too, If we don’t address this how can we begin to change it? SO that our children and their children will have a better Ummah than we do! insha Allah.

    Asalamu Alaikum Ramatullahi wa Barakatu Ummah,

    NO REASON TO HIDE.

  • Agreed
    Jul 25th, 2012 at
    1:53 pm

    Asalamu Alaikum Ramatullahi wa Barakatu Ummah,

    I agree with No Reason to Hide. Its a sad reality, but I myself at this point in my life don’t even ask some sisters of certain ethnicity and cultures because I know its gonna be an uphill battle. Maybe that’s wrong of me, maybe I’ve given up to easily, but the headache and sometimes heartache which goes into it all, sometimes just isn’t worth it. I on the other hand have no problem and actually welcome the idea of marrying someone from a completely different background, but not everyone feels the same way. Its funny how people will follow every aspect of the prophets life (SAW), teaching his Sunnah to all, but when it comes time for their daughter’s or son’s to get married, they do otherwise. Its time for this Ummah to wake up to reality. Most of us live in countries that have a very diverse society. Our Doctors, Professors, Teachers, Co-Workers, Colleagues, and people we deal with on a day to day level are all from different backgrounds. But again when it comes time for marriage, we regress and go back to our old “cultural” ways. Not hating on culture… but when in Rome, do what the Romans do. I agree that it is time we as an Ummah turn the pages and no judge our own fellow brothers and sisters by the color of their skin, but by their moral character and whats in their hearts… hmm sounds familiar, lol. Hope I did not offend anyone, and if so please forgive me.

    Asalamu Alaikum Ramatullahi wa Barakatu.

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