Marriage Tips

A question that often arises on the road to marriage is, “Should I complete my education first or get married first?” Everyone has an opinion on the matter and there is not a universal answer to it as every person, and situation, is different. However, there are a few points to take into consideration when you are contemplating this question.

1) While intellectual compatibility is important, that does not necessarily translate to having the same number of degrees or years of study. Just because a person has had more (or less) schooling than you does not necessarily mean that you are not intellectually compatible. Instead of writing someone off because they don’t have the right level of education speak to them and see if perhaps you are both on the same intellectual level.

2) Getting married does not necessarily mean the end of your education. A lot of singles (particularly sisters) feel they have to make a choice between either marriage or education. While, it is true, that getting married does add more responsibility to your plate it can also motivate you to take your studies more seriously and complete them faster. If you are interested in getting married but aren’t sure how education will fit into your married life, discuss it with your potential other half. You can even outline a plan together beforehand.

3) It is possible to afford both marriage and education. Pursuing higher education can actually be more affordable after marriage. There is more financial aid available to married couples than singles. Financial aid is also calculated just on the income of you and your spouse, without your parents, so you are more likely to qualify. You will also learn to be more responsible with your money as you have a spouse and a future together to look forward to.

There is no doubt that education plays an important role in our lives. It is a means of growing for us as people as well as way to improve our economic status. Education should be pursued however we should also keep in mind that learning occurs not only in school but throughout our lives. Pursuing higher education should not come at the expense of other things we want in life. Instead, we should find a way to reconcile between the things that matter to us and approach it from a practical angle. We should also take the time to learn about other people instead of dismissing them based on their level of schooling.

Newlyweds in the early stages of falling in love often find themselves going above and beyond for their spouses. A wife may try to make elaborate meals and husband might return home each night with a surprise for her. While this is admirable and it can foster love between the spouses it is also impractical.

Throughout a marriage spouses should try their hardest to please each other and do nice things for one another. However, if they overextend themselves not only will they eventually burn out they will also leave the other spouse with expectations that are too high.  Instead, from the beginning of the relationship both spouses should talk over and set a precedence of how they view the rest of their lives together being.

If a wife would eventually like her husband to take on some household responsibilities, such as helping her with the vacuuming once a week, then she should let that be known from the start. Instead, most will happily take on all the household chores by themselves until they are tired of it at which point they will snap and state that the husband “never helps”. When the reality is in the beginning of the marriage when he offered to help they would turn him down and he got the impression that was not something he needed to contribute in.

The same applies to a husband, if he has certain expectations of his wife they should be established from the beginning. If these expectations are not discussed and acted on from the start it will be much harder to change them later. It is easier to create a habit than to change a habit.

Another two weeks will mark the 5th anniversary of Ahmad and Asmaa’s wedding. They have two kids, a nice house, and what everyone assumes is a happy marriage. They go to community events, have gatherings with their couple friends every other week, and play dates for the kids once a week. Ahmad works full time to make sure his family has everything they need and Asmaa makes sure the house is in decent shape, the kids are taken care of, and a delicious dinner is on the table each night.

Ahmad comes home late, exhausted, all he wants is to sit down and eat something while he zones out on his phone checking the basketball scores. Asmaa finally got the kids to bed and is hoping for an adult conversation. When she sees Ahmad isn’t up for it she decides to head to the kitchen and see what needs to be done. Less than a minute later she remarks “Ahmad, the garbage is starting to stink. You promised to take it out yesterday. You think you will have time in your oh so busy schedule to get it done tonight?”. He responds in a snarky tone, “Can you just shut up about the garbage and let me eat in peace for once?”

These comments set a chain reaction in motion with each one beginning to list every action and habit the other does that they can not stand. Each accusation becomes more hurtful and loud than the previous. They part ways an hour later. Broken, resentful, unsure of what to do next.

Underneath it all Asmaa is feeling unappreciated. While she knows her husband works hard for the family she wishes he would acknowledge the effort she brings to the table. She longs for the times when he would spend hours talking to her and making her feel like she was his whole world. On the other hand Ahmad thinks his love and appreciation  for her is made obvious by all the hard work he is putting in. He longs for the days where she wasn’t as needy and didn’t nag about taking the trash out but instead did it herself if he forgot. He wishes she was more appreciative of what he brings to the table. They both wish things could go back to how it was when the weight of the world wasn’t on their shoulders and they still gave each other butterflies with every look.

Although this particular set of events is pure fiction it is an all too common reality in our communities these days. Spouses are so focused on the day to day of their lives that they don’t take the time to truly communicate how the changes in their relationship make them feel and how to deal with it. Instead, they bottle up all their annoyances with their spouse and sweep it under the rug until it all explodes and the mess, is sometimes, too big to clean up.

In order for a relationship to grow and flourish the lines of communication have to be open. Both spouses need to commit time and effort to really listen to how the other feels and accept it. Just because you feel that you give your spouse enough attention does not mean they agree—and that’s ok! After all no two people are created exactly the same and everyone has their own emotions and feelings.

Marriage is the cornerstone of our communities. They will produce the next generation. And they are worth working on and fighting for. While there are many steps that can be taken to support couples and help them make it work the simplest, and first, thing that needs to happen is for both of them to be open and honest with each other.

During your journey to find your other half everyone will have an opinion on how ready you truly are for marriage. Your parents may tell you that if you want a spouse you need to find a better job first. A friend might make an off handed comment about how you should be more organized if you are serious about getting married. Maybe they think you should take better care of your appearance or start taking the deen more seriously.

While everyone will have an opinion of what you should or shouldn’t do in order to be ready for this life altering occasion the truth is no matter how prepared  you think you are for marriage it will take you by surprised. Every relationship will come with it’s own unique set of of extreme joys and trials. Just because they are speaking from experience does not mean your experience will mirror theirs. There is no check list that you can go through to ensure you will know how to respond.  That is why getting ready for this momentous occasion will be different for everyone.

The best thing you can do as you await your other half is to begin doing everything you put off doing till you found (or dreamed of doing with) your spouse. Take an inventory of the important aspects of your life such as your education, your deen, your happiness. Identify the goals you hope to achieve in each and begin to aspire to them.

If you had always desired to continue further in your education go ahead and apply to universities or grad schools. If you hope to wake up for fajr every morning, set your alarm across the room from now instead of waiting for someone else to be by your side to wake you up. If you have always wished to take a trip to a new country each year start now—the stories you will have to tell your future spouse will be priceless.

As much as you love to share your life with your spouse and as much as they  make you a better person you have to start on your goals yourself. By doing so you will be more content, happy, and have healthier relationships. As you search for your other half, begin to create the life you want to share with them instead of waiting for them to appear in your life to give you a push in the right direction.

In continuing with our weekly articles that offer a bit of insight into the strange minds of the opposite gender today we will be delving into why a man always needs to be right. A common joke that women make is, “I married Mr. Right I just didn’t know his first name was Always!”And while humorous it does have truth to it.

To understand why most men develop this habit it is important to take a look at what they are brought up to believe a man should be. From a young age boys are told to “man up”. If they show weakness or cry they are seen as weak and unable to fend for themselves. They look up to superheros such as batman or to emergency workers like police men and firemen who don’t need to be rescued because they are capable of rescuing not only themselves but everyone else.

Now fast forward a dozen years when this boy has grown up and married the girl of his dreams who he now feels is his responsibility to protect and take care of. She is his damsel in distress that he will focus all his manly powers on in order to keep from harm. And then the unthinkable happens, she dares question his tactics!

While a simple suggestion such as, “Are you sure we are going the right way? Whey don’t we stop and ask someone for directions?” may seem as a helpful gesture on a woman’s part it is taken as a lack of trust in a mans ability from the male perspective. The larger the issue the more threatened they may feel. Instead of voicing this they get defensive and lash out which escalates or creates problems.

There is no true solution to this issue as it is not possible to change how something makes someone feel. It is also unrealistic to expect the other spouse to never give a suggestion or have input that may trump yours. There are two things that can be done to lessen the consequences.

1) The wife can word her suggestions in a way that is less of an attack on his skills and more about how she feels in the moment. So for example, in the situation above she could say “These streets are really confusing. I would feel much better if we stopped and asked a local”.

2) The husband can learn that his wife’s suggestions come from a place of love. She sees someone struggling and is trying to help. It’s the mother in her. So instead of getting defensive he can respond coolly and explain his view in the matter. A good response to the above example could be, “Honey, I know you are trying to be helpful but I would really appreciate it if you gave me a bit more time to figure it out on my own”.